sex, money, and miscellany: talking about what matters

getting to orgasm

In Uncategorized on September 1, 2009 at 6:00 am

…if you have trouble, is a lot like getting to yes in a negotiation, only this time you’re negotiating with your body. Think too hard, try too hard, focus too hard and it’s gone. It’s like elegance, only really achievable if you’re confident and not looking for it. Orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of sex, or in any way the only way to have sexual satisfaction, but it’s a nice option to have.

So if you have trouble having an orgasm and you’d like one (not everyone would), here are some things to try:

  • pay attention: to your body, to your turn-ons, to your sexual responses. Figure out what works for you. Consider the settings, smells, sounds, sights, feelings, thoughts, fantasies, words. Take your time at this. Let it be a project–and a pleasure–unto itself.
  • relax, which might mean being alone–or not. If you’re not completely at ease, you’re out of luck. Don’t skip this step. Really.
  • have fun: whatever that means to you. Getting too serious is almost as obstructive as paying attention.
  • don’t pay attention: once you have the details worked out, stop looking directly at intense arousal. Focus on something secondary: a partner, a fantasy, another sensation. Let the intensity bypass analysis and work directly on the pleasure centers of your brain.
  • practice, practice, practice.
  • …and remember, if it isn’t fun, do something else. Good sex is about good connection and good feelings, one way or another.
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  1. saying “relax” in a tense situation is much like staying up too late and trying to get to sleep quickly so you won’t be tired in the morning – it often is a self-defeating exercise. That said, relaxing, when I can do it and not stress about it, is truly a key element in pleasure.

  2. no argument there: it’s easier said than done. And it really does matter, really really. So then the question is: what do you need (you-anyone) to really relax? Why is sex stressing you out? And who is this orgasm for anyway? For whom this pleasure?

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