sex, money, and miscellany: talking about what matters

all of it

In Uncategorized on October 20, 2009 at 8:59 am

Good sex is about empowerment. It’s about knowing what you want, claiming it without shame, knowing yourself, loving yourself, and figuring out how to fulfill your desires.

That’s all.

Some days you might want sweet, gentle touch, some days you might want a kind of sex that proves to you that you won’t break, and some days you might not want to be touched at all. Some days you might want a lover, some days you might want nothing so good as your own company.

And some days it might come all at once, this and that and the other.

It’s all fair game, but in order to play you have to be able to accept whatever is true for you, no matter what you might think of it. What you desire in your heart of hearts is complicated. There may be no way to rationalize it or explain it. Learning your own sexuality is a chance to practice a kind of radical self-acceptance that embraces possibility–all of it. Whether or how those desires will be fulfilled is another question. But step one is to know what you want, without judgment, without fear. Find a very private place, and a private time, and a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. If you need to, get a match, too, and promise yourself you’ll burn the list when you’re done. But get yourself a little turned on and make a list: what do I like? What do I really like? What turns me off entirely? What words, what ideas, what images work for me? No holds barred, and no plans to share this with anyone. Just for you, just for now, what turns the tingle into a spark? What stories or fantasies or experiences are the good ones?

And if there are things there that you don’t want to do for real–things that would harm someone or be illegal–know that you’re not planning to do them. There are creative solutions like fantasy and role play, but you begin by knowing what you like. All of it.

No one ever has to know but you, or you can tell the world, but knowledge is the beginning.

Where will you start?

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  1. That’s all? Sex is all about me and my desires? It’s not about my partner at all, or our love of each other? I’m not sure how she’ll take that news.

    Or maybe I’m not your intended audience. 🙂

  2. I can really only speak for myself. There is certainly that sexuality that I can explore, that has nothing to do with anyone else but myself.

    And there are intimate relationships that stretch, and become a sexual and emotional connection. For me it’s impossible to feel fulfilled sexually without feeling fulfilled emotionally. It comes down to being a loving connection. And that honestly can have nothing to do with sex. But I can’t have one without the other.

    The full picture is going to be very different from one person to another. There’s not one answer that will be that key that can unlock each and every person. We’re each too bloody complicated for that.

    I agree that getting to know yourself and becoming empowered are important.

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